Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Welcome to The Rash, a brand-spankin' new Tomb Of Doom column about stuff that just rubs me the wrong way, thus inducing a rash.

Today's rash-er: The University of Kentucky (Which is, by the way, not a United STATE, but rather a Communist Commonwealth)

You know those internet t-shirt stores, the ones that sell the t-shirts with the catchy, popular, cliche, ironic, or misinterpreted phrases and/or pictures? They all sell basically the same shirts and all serve the same purpose... to give attention-starved persons an affordable way to draw attention to themselves. Well there has always been one shirt slogan in particular that I previously had never understood... "I drink your milkshake". It was not until this weekend that I realized that slogan was from a very good movie, one which I own: There Will Be Blood. I would not have guessed that a phrase seeming so awkward and strange out of context, would come from a movie like There Will Be Blood.

Towards the end of the movie, after many years have passed from the start, oilman Daniel Plainview is visited in his home bowling alley by fantastical local preacher Eli Sunday. Veiled as a conversation of reflection on the past, Sunday quickly turns the conversation to one of business, suggesting that his Church of the 3rd Revelation could aid Plainview in accessing valued land. Plainview flips the script and informs Sunday that since he owns and is drilling on all the land around the tract of land in question, he has already sucked up the oil on the tract through drainage. Plainview starts berating Sunday and says "Drained dry, you boy! If you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a straw and my straw reaches acroooooooooss the room and starts to drink your milkshake. I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!"

Let me tell you somethin people, we have a very very good basketball program here at the University of Memphis, but apparently the University of Kentucky has a basketball program too (?) and they also have a straw and today their straw crossed the line... my state line, my county line, my King Willie imposed city limit line and they drank my Coach Cal milkshake. THEY DRANK IT UP! ...and I hope they aspirate on it. And they will when they realize that Cal mostly recruits so-called "thugs" with the promise that he can send them to the NBA where they can make millions and buy their mom the car and house she never had. The University of Kentucky is too proud to embrace players like that. They only want talent that fits seamlessly in their storied history without causing a wrinkle. They will not fully embrace Cal's recruits the way Memphis does. We do not care where they came from, or if they have taken a broken road to get here, or if they have trouble while they are here. We empathize with them, we unconditionally cheer for them... on and off the court, we develop a love for them, and we pray for them.

See, if the South is the Bible belt, then Memphis is the .45 tucked into that belt. We have mega-churches and Three 6 Mafia, Rendezvous Ribs and Pirtle's Chicken, city and county schools, folks here are just as likely to take their sidearm with them to church as they are their Bible, and we have #1 overall NBA Draft Picks who play alongside prostitute solicitors and pot smokers. We're a city so divided but one that jumps at anything giving us the chance to come together... and that has always been Memphis Tiger Basketball. You drank our milkshake Kentucky, and the whole city will mourn for a short time when the last drop is finally gone. But we'll order a new milkshake, Kentucky, and after it gets warmed up a lil bit, we'll pour the contents on your derby hat and throw the glass at your head. WE ARE, WE ARE... Memphis. And that is the cause of The Rash today.

-The Pistolier


Grant said...

so so funny. I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! great movie....

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