Welcome to The Rash, a brand-spankin' new Tomb Of Doom column about stuff that just rubs me the wrong way, thus inducing a rash.

Today's rash-er: The University of Kentucky (Which is, by the way, not a United STATE, but rather a Communist Commonwealth)

You know those internet t-shirt stores, the ones that sell the t-shirts with the catchy, popular, cliche, ironic, or misinterpreted phrases and/or pictures? They all sell basically the same shirts and all serve the same purpose... to give attention-starved persons an affordable way to draw attention to themselves. Well there has always been one shirt slogan in particular that I previously had never understood... "I drink your milkshake". It was not until this weekend that I realized that slogan was from a very good movie, one which I own: There Will Be Blood. I would not have guessed that a phrase seeming so awkward and strange out of context, would come from a movie like There Will Be Blood.

Towards the end of the movie, after many years have passed from the start, oilman Daniel Plainview is visited in his home bowling alley by fantastical local preacher Eli Sunday. Veiled as a conversation of reflection on the past, Sunday quickly turns the conversation to one of business, suggesting that his Church of the 3rd Revelation could aid Plainview in accessing valued land. Plainview flips the script and informs Sunday that since he owns and is drilling on all the land around the tract of land in question, he has already sucked up the oil on the tract through drainage. Plainview starts berating Sunday and says "Drained dry, you boy! If you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a straw and my straw reaches acroooooooooss the room and starts to drink your milkshake. I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!"

Let me tell you somethin people, we have a very very good basketball program here at the University of Memphis, but apparently the University of Kentucky has a basketball program too (?) and they also have a straw and today their straw crossed the line... my state line, my county line, my King Willie imposed city limit line and they drank my Coach Cal milkshake. THEY DRANK IT UP! ...and I hope they aspirate on it. And they will when they realize that Cal mostly recruits so-called "thugs" with the promise that he can send them to the NBA where they can make millions and buy their mom the car and house she never had. The University of Kentucky is too proud to embrace players like that. They only want talent that fits seamlessly in their storied history without causing a wrinkle. They will not fully embrace Cal's recruits the way Memphis does. We do not care where they came from, or if they have taken a broken road to get here, or if they have trouble while they are here. We empathize with them, we unconditionally cheer for them... on and off the court, we develop a love for them, and we pray for them.

See, if the South is the Bible belt, then Memphis is the .45 tucked into that belt. We have mega-churches and Three 6 Mafia, Rendezvous Ribs and Pirtle's Chicken, city and county schools, folks here are just as likely to take their sidearm with them to church as they are their Bible, and we have #1 overall NBA Draft Picks who play alongside prostitute solicitors and pot smokers. We're a city so divided but one that jumps at anything giving us the chance to come together... and that has always been Memphis Tiger Basketball. You drank our milkshake Kentucky, and the whole city will mourn for a short time when the last drop is finally gone. But we'll order a new milkshake, Kentucky, and after it gets warmed up a lil bit, we'll pour the contents on your derby hat and throw the glass at your head. WE ARE, WE ARE... Memphis. And that is the cause of The Rash today.

-The Pistolier

To Round Out the Circus...

I'd like to welcome our second and third new bloggers to the Tomb. The Pistolier is a bubbling wellspring of Tiger pride, creative chops and sick, white-boy raps.
Blake Butler is the one and only, former stronghold of the offensive line that blocked for DeAngelo Williams in the heyday of Memphis Tiger football. Welcome, P and Blake!

The Rape and Pillage of the Memphis Tigers...

Coming off the plane from the Tigers Sweet Sixteen loss to Missouri, John Calipari told reporters... "I want to be here. This is where I want to coach."

And Memphis fans everywhere heave a sigh of relief.

What we should have been listening to was a few sentences later... "I'm so tired right now."

Sure, the guy is tired. It's been a whirlwind season... Probably one of the better seasons as far as John Calipari's coaching and his effort are concerned. But John Calipari wasn't talking about being tired. He wasn't talking about his feelings on the Sweet Sixteen. What John Calipari was truly talking about were the things he left unsaid...

"I'm not entirely committed to this program."

"I always have my eye on the next big prize."

"I will go down in NCAA history no matter who I must step on or over to do so."

As soon as I heard that initial Fox13 interview, dread welled up inside of me. When John Calipari said he wants to coach in Memphis, it sounded just like a star college athlete, fresh on the heels of losing the big game, who never directly addresses questions about declaring for the draft. John Calipari sounded just like the star who, right after losing the Super Bowl, is approaching free agency, but declines to comment on that after the big game.

What I really needed to hear as a Tiger fan is the message Gator fans across the nation received the day before... "In response to the rumors circulating about my interest in other jobs, I wanted to address this as quickly as possible. I am committed to the University of Florida and look forward to continuing to build our program here.” - Billy Donovan

Thank you, Billy Donovan. A man who has previously turned down big jobs, turned down the NBA, a man who is truly leading his players and fans. Thank you for being upfront, upright and direct.

We received no such response from John Calipari. Upon noticing that little sin of omission, my heart sank quite a bit.

John Calipari is a politician before he is a coach. Take what you will from that in regard to his coaching abilities. It has long been said that if he ran for mayor of Memphis, he'd win in a landslide. That's how John Calipari convinced Dajaun Wagner, Sean Banks, Derrick Rose, Tyreke Evans, and supposedly Xavier Henry, Demarcus Cousins and John Wall to join the gimpy Conference USA to play at the University of Memphis. That's how John Calipari scored air-time on major networks. That's how Nike, FedEx and pretty much the whole dad gum city of Memphis came to be Tiger faithful.

The greatest ability of a politician is positioning. Normally, I'd make a Kama Sutra joke here, but I'm too depressed. John Calipari has positioned his way into success, both for the University of Memphis and himself. Whether that success be wins, raises or recruits, John Calipari knows how to sell himself and sell the crew signing his paychecks.

John Calipari seems to get a raise each year, whether that be money, years, perks, concubines. I recently asked myself, "Where does it stop?" Why, Lexington, KY, of course.

I've heard several arguments on how John Calipari was able to get away. Some believe that Conference USA couldn't contain John Calipari any longer. Some say John Calipari is simply a money-grubbing whore who ripped out the heart of a city. It was hard to disagree with that once I learned that UK offered John Calipari a 8-year, $35 million dollar job (higher than most NBA coaches).

I am inclined to agree with the theory that John Calipari, at his most sincere, longs to be in the spotlight. John Calipari longs to be mainstream. He may have said it best himself when he told Fox13, "I'm so tired right now." John Calipari is tired of having to fight and claw his way onto ESPN, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show, AP and USA Today polls, and the front pages of every sports related show and website in existence. John Calipari's ferocious ego has finally outgrown the city of Memphis. Now that he has pooped all over our pasture, John Calipari is moving on to more expansive lands. In Kentucky, there will be more than enough cud for John Calipari to chew on. I decided to go with the farmland analogy in honor of Kentucky. I don't know if there are farmers, pastures or cud in Kentucky, but I like to think so.

Sadly, John Calipari won't be going to Kentucky alone. He'll take most of his posse from here in Memphis. He'll take at least two current players, Roburt Sallie and Wesley Witherspoon, who've told friends they are transferring. He'll take most of the number one recruiting class of all time with him, a class that the city of Memphis has been buzzing about for months. Most importantly, he'll take the pride that he'd built with the people and in the city of Memphis, dash it on the asphalt, reckoning our program as nothing more than a stepping stone upon which he was able to elevate himself to the so-called basketball elite.

While we wait for the heart-breaking news conference, telling everyone what we already know and fear, I am grateful for what John Calipari has done while in Memphis. He has consistently talked about the great city of Memphis, the love for the Tigers, and how much the city needs the Tigers to represent them. He has always been a strong proponent of all things Memphis and worked to be accepted by the community, rather than just coaching basketball. Based on that fact alone, his accomplishments and constant good-will toward the city are completely overcast by the manner in which John Calipari is leaving. He is treading on the name and image that he tried so hard to raise up, mocking Memphis for the sake of elevating himself to NCAA elitism. Regardless of the good times, John Calipari's exodus is filthy and despicable. For Memphis fans all around, today is the day Coach Cal becomes nothing more than John Calipari.

say it isn't so

As I am sure all of you know by now, Coach John Calipari is in talks with the University of Kentucky about potential becoming their new basketball coach. Suicide hotline traffic all over Memphis has never been higher. It is unknown whether or not Coach Cal will make an announcement today or not about his future (or lack thereof) in Memphis. So I would like to tell all you faithful tiger fans why his leaving would not just be bad for us but also bad for Coach Cal.

We all know the main two reasons our beloved Coach Cal is considering a move to the inbred state that perches on top of our fine state; publicity and money. Kentucky has always been a powerhouse in college basketball. It is the winningest school in NCAA history and is second only to UCLA for NCAA National Titles. So even when Kentucky is blowing it; i.e. this year; we still see them on Sportscenter, hear about them on talk radio, and read about them in magazines as they fall clumsily into the NIT. But Calipari can be coaching the Memphis Tigers to another NCAA record setting season and only be featured as a footnote in Out Magazine.

And of course there is the money. The University of Memphis is....well....the University of Memphis. We haven't been a college dynasty that has had money poured into it for years and years to keep our reputation of athletic excellence alive and well. Now that is not to say that as of late this hasn't been happening. Because it most certainly has been happening as the city of Memphis has been going crazy for their tiger basketball program. But we have a long way to go to catch up to the money poured into Kentucky athletics over the years. So yes, I don't doubt that Kentucky can offer him more money. But if I can get on my soap box for a minute; how much money does one person need?! He is the second highest paid coach in the NCAA. He makes somewhere around 4 million a year from the school. That doesn't include his restaurant, appearances, and the gifts people give him because he is Calipari. I just want to warn our Coach; in the words of the Notorious BIG "Mo' money Mo' problems." Which brings me to Kentucky......

Obviously Calipari leaving us behind will hurt our future draftability (thanks Bud Light) and there is an excellent chance that the prospects he has already received a verbal commitment from will become wildcats instead of tigers. But Calipari leaving Memphis will hurt Calipari too. First of all he is loved here. I mean really loved here. He is creating a legacy in Memphis. No coach in Memphis history will be remembered like Coach Cal. No offense to Larry Finch or Dana Kirk. Coach Cal is an icon. Don't get me wrong he will be liked in Kentucky, maybe even loved but he will never become an icon in Kentucky like in Memphis.

Secondly think about basketball. He is guaranteed 25-30 wins a season while in the C-USA and will always make great runs for the Title as long as talent keeps flowing into Memphis. Which it has the past few years and will continue to; as made evident by next year's all star class that Memphis has lined up. Why leave that?! Even if we lose in the first round of the NCAA tourney or we miss the tourney and end up in the NIT no one is going to kill him! He is loved and he is trusted to bounce back or make adjustments in the off season to get them back in it next year. If Coach Cal goes in as the new guy and throws up 19 or 20 win seasons in a tougher conference than C-USA then not only will the fans being calling for his head, but Kentucky's powers that be will bounce him just like Gillispie!

Coach Calipari is a great college basketball coach. He has made it easy to be a tiger fan lately. He has put Memphis on the map and brought in ridiculous talent. I truly believe that he has the capabilities to be successful anywhere. But Memphis is where he has the opportunity to be an icon (and win a heck of a lot of games and maybe a few championships in the meantime).

So Coach Cal, say it isn't so.

Come One, Come All...

I'd like to welcome a new blogger to the Tomb. He is an avid Tiger fan. He is raw, edgy and opinionated... like the TMZ of Tiger basketball.... except that he is cool. He is Grant.

His first post was right before this. I can't figure out how to reorder the $&*@ posts.

That Time of Year...

Well, if things go awry this March, we know who to blame...

As I've been attempting to get into medical school, I put the Tomb on the backburner. Let this be a lesson to you, my friends... Whatever is going on with your life, whether it be med school, unemployment, anger that your money is becoming our money, or struggling with the fact the American Idol is and has been rigged since its inception, then just stop it. It's time for March Madness.

March Madness is the best time of year. That is not a point that is debatable. My palms are literally sweating thinking about Memphis playing one of the first games tomorrow morning. Why a two seed is playing while west-coast viewers are starting their Folgers brew, I don't know... Yes, I do. Because that two seed is Memphis. Some things never change.

A number two seed is not in and of itself disrespect. There are 57 other tournament-bound teams who'd love a number two seed. There are 282 teams that just wanna play with the big boys at all. The Tigers were given the place of the fifth best team in the nation. No disrespect... or is there?

Memphis deserved the two seed. We didn't have any Top 25 victories and lost to an underachieving Georgetown team. We have a weaker RPI and, more importantly, Strength of Schedule than all the number one seeds.

My only complaint is that Loserville got the overall number one... with five losses, two of them to NIT trolls Notre Dame and UNLV. All the pundits argue that Louisville deserves the one seed because they've been on an incredible streak, losing only one game in 2009. I would be impressed except Memphis is riding the longest winning streak to enter the NCAA tournament in history. The same logic should apply.

If that's the biggest beef with the entire field, then it's a pretty successful bracket. Plus, I love seeing Memphis play when they have a chip on their shoulder.

NCAA 2009 Tourney Ts!

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