Please Eats Tons of Animals...

Over the past few days, the media has been abuzz over Chris Massie 2.0 and his contract with Coach Cal that requires him to lose 75 pounds if he wants to play for the Tigers. News stations have been revealing Niles in his various states of exercise, diet and struggle. Cal calls this contract more of an "intervention" than a simple deal to play ball. While I agree that reaching your mid-20s below the 300 pound mark is an admirable goal, I can't help but have visions of Jesse Jackson storming to Memphis, shooting turkey legs from the half-time t-shirt cannons. I digress.

If I were in Niles' (giant, overwhelmed) shoes, I would feel pretty raw that the most local news I've had in my career was over the story of me trying to lose weight. Niles' feeding frenzy has even reached a national status, with PETA stepping in to allow their glorious voices of reason to be heard.

Legend has it that PETA saw the Full Court Press video series that Rivals.com and Yahoo produced and took "concerned" notice of Niles' predicament. They took it upon themselves to contact Niles with their suggestions.

PETA's rampant futility is highlighted in the following line: While lots of grease might be required to tame Coach Calipari’s hair, choking down greasy chicken and ribs just makes people fat and causes heart disease. Let's be honest here. If I'm picking teams, Cal's hair is coming with me and PETA is going down. His hair alone is responsible for 2-3 conference wins per season.

Furthermore, let me dissect the previous statement from PETA to prove how mind-numbingly useless that organization is. This is a company who is seeking to made a national headline for themselves by profiteering off a young man who is struggling with his weight. Beyond the lame joke about Cal's hair, PETA warns Niles about the inherent dangers of greasy chicken and ribs. In that vein, I can think of a few other issues that might warrant greater attention from the PETA people.

Exhibit A:
Our own coach serves more steaks in one night than Niles eats in... a month? 6 months? Regardless, let's weigh the options... Niles' diet? or.... CAL'S STEAKHOUSE.

Exhibit B:
We know you're all big fans of the Full Court Press videos. So, why would you prefer to harass Niles about his weight than rescue what was a forest full of helpless minks?

Exhibit C-E:

PETA, you do realize you're talking to someone from Memphis, correct? Let me give you a quick run down of the spots Niles passes on his way to the gym.

You really expect Niles to give up meat? Just give it up? The final tally here is 280 KFCs, 575 hot wing stops and a meager 1015 BBQ joints here in the greater Memphis area. This is beyond a kid in a candy shop. This is a frat guy in a sorority house. This is a Republican in ANWAR. This is a Democrat in an unemployment office. Brotha's gonna eat meat at some point or another. If you really wanna help, send brotha some Tums and go back to taking pictures of young, mindless activists.